Writing Analytically, 7.2

1.
Strengths:
- anticipates objections by stating both sides and claims that they are both “legitimate”
- good sentence structure: starts out with “despite” and follows argument with “while”
- is relatively specific and avoids weak verbs

Weaknesses:
- somewhat wrong use of “despite”
- lacks drive: the use of “critical” remains ambiguous
- so what if it is “critical”?

Thesis rewrite:

Although protecting the environment and securing our country’s economic position are both legitimate claims, we need to intertwine both objectives because forsaking one for the other will result in useless efforts.

2.
Strengths:
- sets up argument well with points that readers will expect to find out about later

Weaknesses:
- awkward flow (especially the first sentence)
- wordy, non-specific words

Thesis rewrite:

Because most corporations consider women to be too compassionate to keep up with the competition within a firm, women are less likely to hold executive positions.